The Damned Reaper

Frivolous Flash Fiction

⚠️ Language

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I grimace when my finger touches the greasy salami slice.

But it's done. It has the touch of death.

I've been trying to kill Megan for six days.

Tomorrow’s my deadline and… I’ve run out of ideas.

Like clockwork, she walks in. Sanitizes her hands after touching the door handle.

She rapid-fires her order at the server, but he doesn’t need to hear it again.

She buys the same thing every day.

I watch him wrap that salami in lettuce and bread, and I get… thingy.

I follow Megan closely as she exits, sanitizes her hands again, and unwraps the sandwich.

My mouth waters as she takes bite after ravenous bite.

But my stomach — wait, I don’t have one — metaphorically drops.

The slice wedges itself out from between the buns.

It’s both that slice's and my downfall.

My face follows the meat all the way to the pavement, where it lands with a wet slap.

I shake my head.

I summon a table, a pen, and a piece of paper.

And I start:

“Dear God,

This is unfair.

I understand I made a mistake.

Sure, twelve people died. But I slipped on that ball — it’s not my fault it hit so many footballers.

Most of them had concussions already from years of playing, anyway.

I digress.

This unkillable row assignment should be given to malicious reapers only. I’m clumsy. And I’m sorry.

I spent weeks guiding their souls through the motions. I made sure their families were okay.

And the list… I’ve already taken four people off the unkillable list, okay?

But Megan…

Megan, Megan, Megan.

At first, I hexed her phone screen with plague spores.

SHE WASHES HER HANDS AFTER USING HER PHONE.

Who does that?!

I tried flaring her allergies — snuck some nuts into her salad.

She’s not allergic.

She just avoids them. Afraid she’ll develop an allergy.

Then I went bigger: a car to run her over. She looks both ways.

A pigeon to hit her head. She punched it.

Tried giving her syphilis —

She’s too disgusted by sex to catch it.

So I went for the only weak spot.

The salami sandwich she eats every single day.

It just fell.

She’s never going to eat it off the ground.

I’m sorry, God, but this girl is an unkillable demon.”

The scratch of the pen calms me. Gives me strength.

But then —

I hear the most lyrical sound.

Choking.

I look up. Megan’s clutching her throat.

Mouth open. That beautiful cough.

With every ugh, I rise slightly from the depths of despair.

She falls to the pavement.

I scratch out my last line.

“She ate the salami. Tell all those bitches up there I’ll be back Monday.

I killed the demon.”

I snap my fingers. The letter disappears.

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Author’s Note:

This is another short story inspired by my online fame.

Thank you,

KJ Harlow

!

Hopefully you had a nice read 😆

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